Christmas 2006

Today Clint's heart broke.

It's not the dark cloud that is now hanging over our Christmas vacation that he'd been planning with so much excitement... We'll go on with our plans and pretend not to notice. It's not hearing his daughter tell him she doesn't want to come... It's knowing that the battle he's been fighting for over twelve years is over... It's the decision to surrender that has shattered his heart, and mine along with it.

While we've both known this day was coming, the changes we've seen in Kadin becoming more and more pronounced every day, that doesn't help ease the pain. We are both complete messes... And what's worse, we can't even talk about it. It's too soon. There's too much hurt.

For me, you might say it shouldn't be as hard... After all, I only knew her for four years. She isn't my daughter... I should be able to shake it off. But I'm a girl, and as such my feelings are in control and I can't seem to pull myself together. It feels like a big chunk has been ripped out of my heart and I can't imagine healing from this.

I'm hurting for Clint... For his loss... I honestly believed things were getting better. They were getting closer to having a real father/daughter relationship and she was becoming so much more comfortable showing affection than she was when I first met her. But I couldn't have imagined how angry that was making her mother and how hard she would try to push us out.

I'm hurting for Kadin. Every little girl needs her father. Her real father... And I know it will hurt her to think he walked away from her.  The truth is he walked away FOR her. So that she would no longer be exposed to the fighting, the lying, the yelling, the intimidating, manipulating. We wanted so badly to be a part of her life, but in the end we wanted her to have as much of a normal/happy life as possible.

Lastly, selfishly, I'm hurting for myself. For the relationship with her that I thought I had... That I felt SO LUCKY to have, for however brief a moment it might have been. I knew I was lucky when I first met her, and she liked me. She took to me and we got along great. Being dad's girlfriend I knew there was a good chance she would have ill feelings toward me... Especially considering the situation with her mom. I was so happy that she gave me a chance, and formed her own opinion... I'm thankful for the memories I have. I will never forget how much fun we had together...

In all honesty though, I have to say looking back it seems I always knew our time would be cut short. I looked forward to the next time I'd see her with anxiety and anticipation... I fantasized about her future with a mixture of joy and pain... Her first date, her driving test, prom... Graduation... College... Her wedding. I never knew what role I'd be allowed to play in those days, or if I'd get to be there at all.

I know the truth. I have tried, as a mother, to put myself in her mother's shoes. She made mistakes, as we all do, and she just wanted to clean up the mess. I don't blame her for that. I can't judge her, but I do know that trying to fix her life was no excuse for hurting others. I know plenty of blended families, step-parents and bio-parents that can get along for the sake of the children. There is no such thing as the perfect family. And you certainly can't fake it by changing everybody's last name and getting rid of the evidence.

Still now, I refuse to believe this is how it ends for us. I know Kadin is a VERY smart girl... And I know she loves her father, and maybe even me. I know in her heart she knows the truth. I'll never forget the talks we had, the trust she had in me... The things she was able to tell me. I will hold out hope that one day she will be strong enough to think for herself... And reach out for us. When/if that ever happens we will be there for her in two minutes flat.

Kadin, my sweet pixie dust, if you ever read this PLEASE know that your father and I love you - we will forever love you. If you ever want to talk, need anything, have any questions, please don't think twice... I can only pray that you search your heart and your memories for truth.